By this point I highly doubt anybody on my watch list is keeping track of this profile anymore. It's amazing looking at my old journal entries from four years ago and seeing how much I updated. As the list goes on, the dates begin to spread farther and farther apart. I went from updating every week at the very least, to once a year, then not at all. Yet, here I am once again, creating a new entry after over a year of being a ghost to this site. I am doing this for a couple reasons; 1) every time I visit my page to check for updates, I see the person I was way back in August of 2005, and 2) part of me really wants to start submitting work again.

It's quite amazing how much a person can change in a short amount of time (four years really isn't that long). I was a very, very different person when I first started college at the Art Institute. That is the understatement of the year, my friends. I was timid, stubborn as hell, unwilling to accept change, whiny to no end, complained to every one I knew which I think inevitably pushed some people away forever, unfortunately. I believed my "problems" were worse than those of other people in my life, I thought the entire world was against me, I pushed and pushed to make friends believe there was absolutely nothing I could do to be happy with myself. And as I watched others and the world around me evolve, try new things and move on, I stayed exactly the same; whining, complaining, bitching, moaning, convincing myself there would be no end to the now ridiculous after school special that was my so-called pathetic, unbearable life.

Wow. What an ignorant asshole I was.

I can happily say I've finally changed, evolved. I have recreated myself as a person. I have accepted that nothing stays the same forever. But most important of all I have become open to new experiences. I've changed in ways I never thought I would. For example, four years ago I wouldn't have touched an alcoholic beverage with a 20 foot pole. As far as I was concerned beer was the bane of all existence and those who indulged were inferior and misguided. Arrogant much? Fast forward to about a year after that and you would've found me on my knees hunched over a toilet in a drunken rage screaming at the top of my lungs because of some girl. Can you say irony? Was it stupid? Yes. Was it immature? God yes. Was it a good learning experience? Yes. Did I realize the error of my way that night? Absolutely, and that's the point. If I hadn't began drinking, I wouldn't have gone to that particular party at that particular apartment and drank myself stupid at that particular time, I wouldn't have grown as a person. I know it sounds strange and maybe even dumb, usually you WANT to avoid moments such as that. But to be perfectly honest I'm glad it happened, it made me realize a lot of things about myself and the world around me. Now, I'm not telling you to go get piss drunk and have a freak out session because it will make you a better person. No. It just happened to be one of the moments that began to change me for the better. Sure, the circumstances were unfortunate, but it happened for a reason.

I know this all sounds random, but that is where my mind is at right now, so bear with me. My point is, I've opened my mind to new doors that have shaped a new path for me. First, I wanted to be a pencil artist, then a photographer, then a graphic designer. Now, I just want to be in a work environment I enjoy surrounded by co-workers that make me happy, I'm open to a job that may be outside my element a bit. My whole life I've been whiny and paranoid, trying to plan out every step of my future because I believed I needed to be 100% sure of what I wanted to do. Now, I'm a week from graduating with a Bachelors Degree in Graphic Design and I have absolutely no idea what I want from it. What shoes am I going to put on and where are those next steps going to take me? I have absolutely no clue and for once I kind of enjoy that. Life is good; I have great friends, supportive family members and a girlfriend I see myself marrying sooner or later.

As I said before, this is completely random and all over the place, but I felt like it needed to be said in some shape or form. And I figured, what better way than here? I began this Ensomnia account as a new beginning of sorts for my art, why not keep the trend going with a journal entry on the same account that acts as the same for my personal growth.

I have no idea if anyone will ever read this, but if you do, thank you for your time and take care.